Tough year

It has been the hardest year for me.  I have been dealing with what seems like an endless chain of sad events, hurt feelings, worry, financial burdens, disappointments.  I seriously don't recognize my own life.  Nothing feels right.  Not my home, my marriage, my kids, my job, my routine.  It's the strangest and scariest feeling.  I have isolated myself for the most part, not wanting to talk to anyone about it.  I don't need judgment, or lack of interest, or publicity.  Mostly I'm protecting myself and my family. Privacy seems important now more than ever.  It's so hard to go to work sometimes and go about the day and act like everything's the same 'ol.  I avoid family functions and phone calls.  Some days I get in my car and think about just driving as far as I can on a tank of gas and not coming back.  Building walls and running.  Two ugly traits that I have struggled with my whole life.  Real big pain in the ass when life is challenging you.  I have been given lemons but fuck making lemonade.  I want to squeeze the lemon juice in my eyes to make sure I'm still alive and not the zombie I feel like.

Before you wonder if I'm a half step away from the psych ward or suicide, I know what I have to do.  I have to come out of my hole and just deal with things day by day.  Fight back.  Practice mindfulness.  Blow hopeful kisses at the universe and hope they are returned to me.  Remaining negative and isolated doesn't help your karma.  So I continue to do whatever gives me some relief - journaling, meditating, talking to my therapist, watching funny sitcoms, catching the sunrise.  Whatever keeps the thought odometer pointing slightly more towards positive rather than negative thinking. 

This year has been a humbling one.  I just want it to end.  New beginnings have to arrive soon.  They just have to.

Defining Success

I've been thinking a lot lately about what success means.  I'm in the midst of a crossroads myself and so is my daughter so it's no wonder this topic is on the brain.

My daughter decided not to attend college right away in the fall.  I'm sure this was a hard thing to have to tell your parents when the topic of going to college comes up in conversations again and again your senior year of high school.  As a parent, when you receive this news, your heart sinks a little.  After all, it's somehow the way we're programmed to think - graduate from high school and go to college.  A panic attack ensues full of worry and what-if's.  Is she just scared?  Should I push harder for her to go?  If she takes time off, will she ever go?  Does supporting her life journey have boundaries?  These questions are what sleepless nights are made of.  It didn't make sense.   Highly intelligent young lady.  Got good grades most of her life.  Extremely high ACT scores.  Always in the above average column on all those tests they take beginning in kindergarten.

And then I thought about this notion of having to go to college.  Has this become another keep-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon?  I mean, when my grandparents and parents graduated from high school, it wasn't automatically assumed that everyone went to college next.  Most didn't.  And what about all the young adults who go to college and do poorly, take extra time to graduate, change majors a half a dozen times, or just plain drop out after a year?  How many of those students, if given the chance, would have taken some time off between high school and college, would have gladly done so if they knew they wouldn't disappoint their families?  How many of those young adults would have found happiness and success a different way if given the chance?

I work at a university and have seen my share of students floundering through courses because they are led to believe this is the only way to achieve success and ultimately happiness in life.  I've actually heard students say they were only here because their parents wanted them to be here.  Really?  Do I want the same for my kids?  Do I want to force a circle into a square because I don't want people in my life to look down upon my parenting skills and my kid's character?  I have always believed that every soul on this earth has its own unique journey, a journey that is far greater than my parental guidelines.  My job as a parent is to support my child's uniqueness and be her number one fan so that she feels supported enough to go out into the world and be who she wants to be.  I don't get to control that journey.

Still, I find myself frustrated.  I find myself pleading to God, "Please help her find her way."  I guess it's another thing that can't be controlled...a mom's worry. 

March Babies

My first born is officially an adult.  I'm fragile from how fast it goes.  I'm excited for her because I loved this time in my own life.  I can't wait to see what she does next.

I also had a birthday.  Mine is not the milestone that my daughter's is this year but in a way it is for me.  I can't wait to see what I do next.  Change is on the horizon for me, whatever that may be.  I just feel it.  I'm working on a better me.  My birthday wish for my daughter is that she always pays attention to herself, her needs and her feelings as well as those of the ones she loves.  Her self is just as important.  When you love yourself, you can better love others.  And don't wait until you're in your forties to not only know that, but to live it as well.

Feeling, Wanting, Tired Of

Feeling stifled
Feeling uninspired
Feeling blah
Feeling like a failure
Feeling insignificant

Tired of whining
Tired of waiting
Tired of wanting
Tired of wasting time

Want to feel fulfilled
Want to change my attitude
Want to prove I can change
Want to be brave
Want to be inspired
Want to follow my true path in life
Want to feel empowered

Cedar Point 2015

I can't believe I forgot to post about this year's trip to Cedar Point.  It was a month ago!  Better late than never.

Last year we brought our kids to Cedar Point for the first time and now they are ruined.  They will probably never want to go to any other amusement park again.  We all had so much fun.  We promised to return but not this year.  Maybe the next year, we said...until one day our daughter announced that she and her friend were going to try and get down to Cedar Point themselves (with the help of my brother-in-law, the coaster fanatic).  The next day, I came home from work to find two pouting faces at the kitchen table:  my daughter and my HUSBAND!  Pleasssse, we should go too.

I'm the money worry wart in our house.  I kept thinking about our daughter's senior year and all the expenses that come with it. But through some coaxing on his part and a promise to only go for one day instead of two, I agreed.  Life is short.  The kids are getting older.  Why not.  I'm so glad he talked me into it.      

It really is a bonding experience for all of us.  Lots of memories made.  I spent last weekend watching my grama slowly fading away.  I know that for her, now, things and money don't matter.  Family and memories made with them are what stay with you as you reach the end of your life.  So I'm doing more of this stuff because that's what makes us rich in the end.

Looking For Meaning

I try to avoid negative posts to my blog.  But it is called Kristi Randomly so I guess I need to randomly be negative.

I'm not feeling negative so much as I'm feeling lost and blah.  I know part of that is just changing my mind frame.  You do have to chose to be happy and hopeful.  I know that.  But we as humans sometimes have to let ourselves feel the opposite for a bit and get it out of our system.

Lately everything has been crap.  My grama is near the end of her life.  My daughter failed her math class needed to graduate.  Our one car took a crap and we needed to dump a ton of money into it.  This meant we had to miss our nephew's graduation party downstate.  The coffee pot broke.  My favorite neighbor moved away.  Not to mention many other things gone wrong that would normally not be a big deal but in the midst of the others, it just feels like more stones being thrown at me.

When I think of spending the next 20+ years in my line of work, I could sometimes puke.  Why wasn't I more focused in college?  Why did I shy away from some of my dreams?  I want to be that person who not only enjoys her personal life to the fullest but also enjoys going to her job.  I feel a bit dull lately in both.  I wonder sometimes if I'm just too scared and unmotivated to do anything about it.  I wonder if I'm having some sort of mid-life crisis.  While turning 40 made me less concerned with what people think of me, it has also caused some anxiety about growing older and not packing enough into each day.  It has made me weigh my successes and failures.  It keeps me up a lot at night.  ZzzQuil has become my new friend.  I despise the energy I have spent on all this pondering.

This is when I pull out my favorite quote for tough times:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

I'm hanging on, Harriet.  The wait is exhausting sometimes but I know you're right about that tide.




  

Dealing with Death

It's been a rocky couple of weeks here.  My daughter had two friends die within a week of each other and both tragically.  One in a snowboarding accident and the other shot himself.  I've had to deal with tragic death in my life but never were two so close together.  It has sucked as a parent to watch her have to deal with it.  Young people think they are invincible.  I heard her one friend question faith as a result and that saying that it was just that person's time to go.  I guess I can't blame her or my daughter for thinking that way.

On the other hand, it was heartwarming to watch my daughter and her friends rally together.  Keeping each other company and being extra kind to each other.  They did exactly the right thing and really the only thing they could do.  Just love each other.

I told my daughter that from here on out it's important to live the life that her two friends won't be able to on earth.  Be grateful and keep them in mind when she's doing something fun, when she reaches a goal, when she hits a milestone, when she finishes a chapter.  I hope she listened.

In Search of Quality

I think it's my age that brings me to this place.  One of questions, deep thought and self-evaluation.  I've been hungry for change for a some time now.  The first big change was starting a new job.  It's been a good change for me.  I feel like as a result I'm in a better place with my husband and kids.  I don't like my new job as much but the job I loved before doesn't exist anymore.  The end of an era for me and some days, I admit, I mourn it.  But I have to move forward.  It's what we have to do in life.

I'm hungry for change but more importantly, I'm craving quality.  Quality marriage, quality relationships with my kids and family, quality friendships, quality me.  I'm moving closer to letting go of things in the past that I allow to define my present.  I'm taking better care of myself physically and emotionally.  My husband and I are putting more effort into our relationship.  Often times, after 21 years together, comfort has taken the place of effort which always leads to ignored feelings and needs.

I also want quality friendships in my life.  I don't have a long list of friends.  And as scary as this is to admit, I have to wonder if some people I call friends value the friendship as much as I do.  I always try to look at myself and ask if I'm doing something wrong and there are a some things I could improve upon.  I'm guarded.  I don't like conflict.  I don't like being vulnerable.  All things that could complicate a friendship.

Another thing to consider is that some people will float in and out of your life.  Sometimes it's for a good reason.  Sometimes there's no explanation.  I have had friends who I've lost contact with but it wasn't because we ended on a bad note.  It was just because our lives took different turns.  Maybe we grew out of the relationship.  So I guess that's what I'm looking at now.  Seeing which friendships are still worth investing in and which ones just need to be gently let go of.  It's scary.  Thinking that you're the one that's hanging on tighter than the other.

My Church

I don't go to church.  Have an opinion about that if you want.  My church is a quiet moment in nature a lot of times.  Sunrises, sunsets, northern lights, the lake, a trail in the woods.  Seeing those things and being near them lifts my spirits, makes me thankful for life, and clears my mind.

On Friday morning this week, this sunrise was my church.  With the great weather, I had wanted to catch a sunrise all week.  I was crabby and busy and thinking about a decision I would have to make soon.   By the end of Thursday I felt so frustrated, I decided to take Friday off to decompress.  After I dropped my son off at school, I saw that orange ball of fire coming up off the lake and knew God was calling me.  "Come to Jesus, girl."  I needed to be reminded that my life doesn't suck and things always work out.

 

Beach Bum

For the first time in nine years, I have taken vacation in August.  Like the middle of August.  It's so foreign to me.  In my previous job, we weren't allowed to take time off from mid-July through Labor Day because we were so busy.  I learned to just deal with it but in the back of my mind I always hated it.  It always felt like work stress kept me from enjoying half of my summer.  Our summer season up north is so short to begin with.

So when I started my new job, all I could think about was how different my summers were going to be.  I made sure to ask for time off both in July and August.  It has been wonderful.  Today, I went down to the beach at 10:30 in the morning...on a work day...in the middle of August.  So great!  I was alone, the water was calm, the sun was bright.  I had my favorite chair and a new book to read and I was in absolute heaven.

I am a beach bum.  Always have been.  I love sitting with my feet in the sand and reading.  And it's almost spiritual, the feeling of getting warmed up in the sun and then dunking in the ice cold water of the lake.  It recharges me.  It takes away stress and makes me feel like everything's going to be okay.

The Drive of Shame

I ran into my aunt at the grocery store yesterday.  She lives with my grandpa who is a victim of dementia which will likely turn into Alzheimer's.  Yes, I meant to say victim because that's how I feel about this disease.  It slowly takes away the person you know and the ones in his life slowly get taken away from his mind.  It sucks.

Anyway, on top of all that, she was let go from her job after 30 years of being there.  The doctor she worked for up and left.  Gave the office six weeks' notice and has not paid their last pension payment to them yet.  My aunt was planning several trips this year.  After two, almost three years of constantly caring for my grandpa, she was finally going to get back to traveling.  It's her favorite thing and my uncle is in a position to help out more with grandpa.  She was actually in Dublin when she got the news about her job.  "I enjoyed it but in the back of my mind I kept thinking about how I wouldn't have a job when I got back," she said.  She already booked a couple more trips and it's not like you can cancel airline tickets.

As we were talking, a friend of hers stopped and she was forced to tell the story all over again.  I wondered how many times she had to revisit this.  Every person she runs into must ask.  Over and over, leaving a conversation feeling like crap.  I said goodbye and continued with my shopping list.  My cart was full and my aunt didn't even have a cart.  Just a couple things in hand.  Seemed symbolic all of a sudden.  So much so that by the time I got to the car, I was crying.  I felt so bad for her.  So close to retiring but not quite ready.  You know how many times I've heard this in the past decade?  Let see...my dad twice, my mother-in-law, two of my husband's uncles.  It's a sign of the times and it sucks like my grandpa's decaying mind.

Which brought me back to my full cart.  God, I suck too.  You know how many times in the past decade I've said, "fuck my life"?  More tears.  I began a conversation with the big guy upstairs.  I thanked Him for all the blessings in my life:  a healthy family, a steady job, a place to live, great health insurance compared to the national average.  A full cart.  Yeah, I had a leaky shower drain last week and my cars are falling apart and my insurance is about to go up with a 16-year-old but big deal.  I wasn't my dad, getting his degree at 60 years old and networking with a bunch of people half his age trying to land a better job.  I wasn't my aunt saying I'll just ride it out on unemployment until I figure something out.  And I wasn't my mother-in-law working at a grocery store bakery with no insurance and no retirement plan anymore.

I cried all the way home.  The drive of shame to the east side of town with my trunk full of groceries knowing that I hadn't been thankful doing the same thing many Saturdays before.  I spread the shame when I got home by telling my husband what had happened and that we had no business complaining about our life.  It wasn't fair to those in our family who had it worse.  He agreed.  I thanked God one more time.

Oh! To Be a Stay-At-Home Mom

I had to call in to work today.  My son is sick, which is rare.  He's not quite old enough (in my opinion) to be left home alone when he's sick unlike my high school daughter.  It was quiet in the house.  My husband at work, my daughter at school and my son sleeping with the dog.  I had a thought.  This could have been my life everyday if I had the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom.  I could have this quiet every morning before starting my daily routine.  I would have time to scramble eggs for my kids in the morning if they wanted them.  I wouldn't have to call my boss when my son was home sick from school. 

It's the quilt and occasional resentment I deal with as a working mom.  My husband and I were never in a financial position to make that an option years ago.  Plus, I think as a child of divorced parents, I have always felt the need to have my own job just in case things ever went sour in my own marriage.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom and I watched her go out in the world and look for work when I was in middle school, preparing to be a single mom.  She said to me once, "Always have a skill.  Always have a way to make your own money."  Partially words of wisdom to her young daughter and partially kicking herself in hindsight.  Maybe it was then that I realized I would be a working mom out of fear of depending on someone else.  Who knows.  I just know that as a grown women looking back, I would have liked to have had the choice to stay at home.  Avoid the guilt and occasional resentment as a working mom.

Ultimately, though, your kids have a path in life either way.  They are destined to do certain things and make certain choices whether or not you had time to scramble eggs in the morning for them.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom to my sister and I and a working mom to my younger brother later in life.  We all turned out pretty great.  We've all made our way into the world and made our choices and live our own lives happily.  I have said in the past that home is a verb.  It's what you do within the walls you live that matters most.  You can raise great kids in a shack or mansion; as a working mom or a stay-at-home mom; as a strict or liberal parent.  It's about doing what's best and or necessary for your family.

Photo courtesy of Lina Blair

A New Chapter

I just cannot believe the zen in my personal life right now.  I'm not bragging; I'm just in pleasant disbelief and wonder!  Since my husband and I moved on to different jobs, we have experienced so much more peace in our home.  We aren't as negative.  We don't bring work home like we used to.  We are nicer to each other.  We're more affectionate.  I knew our previous jobs caused us stress (job stress is always present) but I didn't realize the enormity of it until we did something different.

Oh, don't be fooled.  We still have problems to face and deadlines to meet and kids to corral but without the added stress we had previously, we just face them with lighter hearts and without hyperventilating.  I'm just happy and thankful for the change.

What To Do in 2014...

With the arrival of the new year, I have been thinking about what to do in 2014.  Blog more?  Maybe.  I feel like I stopped blogging because I stopped doing anything worth posting.  Here's some things I would like to tackle.

First, I must do one of these ladders in my upstairs bathroom.  Thanks again, Funky Junk, for a super idea.

http://www.funkyjunkinteriors.net/2014/01/the-bathroom-vanity-is-undecided-which-room.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FKCcu+%28Funky+Junk+Interiors%29




I would also like to do some of these around the house since I'm obsessed with succulents...



Thanks, Tatertots and Jello!
http://i1.wp.com/tatertotsandjello.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/mason-jar-succulents-and-spring-mantel-Tatertots-Jello.jpg


A list of house things I want to do.  We'll see how many get completed by the year's end.

1. Paint my upstairs bathroom
2. Paint the basement
3. Change some light fixtures
4. Create a storage space under the basement stairs
5. Create storage space in my bedroom closet
6. Curtains in my living room (I can never find any I like.  Maybe I'm too picky.)
7. Paint front and back porches
8. Repair cement porch step
9. Expand garden (maybe a permanent spot instead of a pallet garden)

A list of personal goals.

1. Exercise more (This is an ongoing goal of mine)
2. Salmon fishing (I want to stock my freezer so I don't have to buy it!)
3. Nurture my friendships
4. Nurture my marriage
5. Spend more fun time with my kids

There's more, much more. But this will do for the next year.

My Weekend With Me

Every year, or almost every year, my family leaves for the weekend to go hunting.  I get hounded by my husband to go along to visit family because he loves all of us being together but I selfishly decline.  I LOVE a weekend alone with myself.  Don't get me wrong.  Love my husband.  Loves my kids.  But I love myself too and sometimes I need to nurture my soul.  A big bed to myself.  No supper time rush after work.  I can listen to my music and watch my shows on TV.  I can visit with my friends or check in on my grandparents.  The point is, I can do whatever I want to do minus a need-to list shuffled in the mix.

So during my marvelous weekend I:

Friday
* Left work early cuz my boss said I could (bonus!)

* Spontaneously met my dear friend for a few beers and great conversation

* Slept in the middle of my bed with no fan on (hubby always has to have it on) and the window wide open

Saturday
* Sat on the beach and watched the sunrise with my dog

* Raked some leaves

* Changed the air filter and the brake light on my car

* Went shopping and FINALLY bought myself a pair of tall black boots and a pair of running shoes

* Visited my grampa, aunt, and cousin.  Stayed for supper.

* Listened to some music and sang loud with the windows open

* Made popcorn and watched a movie on Netflix

Sunday
* Made cinnamon rolls

* Took a walk with my dog in the woods

* Drank a glass of wine and watched an episode of Revenge

* Went for a long bike ride

* Drank another glass of glass of wine and watched more Revenge

* Sent an email to my supervisor and told her I would be late to work in the morning (she knew this might happen; it's not from the wine!)

I am refreshed and recharged.  Life.  Is.  Good.

Enjoy the Seasons

I really enjoyed one of Nienie's recent posts on enjoying the seasons.  Check it out.

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-season.html

I have to remember this in my life when things get hectic.

Changing Jobs

I have been working in the same office for eight years.  Let's see...where was I in my life eight years ago?  My daughter was seven years old and in the second grade.  My son was two years old and in diapers or pull-ups.  We were living in a cramped 2-bedroom apartment and this job couldn't have happened at a better time for my family.  We were on food stamps and three denied mortgage applications away from finally owning our own home.  I had tried for four years to get a job at this place and it had finally happened.  Shortly after, my husband got hired here there as well.

I loved my job.  It was the first time I woke up for work and actually looked forward to going.  Always something different to do, great supervisors and, most of all, great office gals.  They quickly became friends and not just co-workers.  We laughed and cried together.  We made fun of each other.  We hung out together.  I could have easily made that my forever office.

But a little over a year ago, I started feeling restless.  Suddenly I wasn't as enthusiastic to go to work in the morning.  The people hadn't changed nor had my responsibilities really.  I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed a breath of fresh air.  But change is scary, Kristi!  You want to start all over someplace else?!  You are out your mind, girl.  Yes, self, I was terrified.  I knew damn well it would not be the same in any other office and there was a big chance that I would work for some total block heads.  Was I too far gone and far too comfortable to take the chance?

I posted for two jobs without success.  The third interest came along and at the last minute I decided to throw my name in the hat.  Long story short, the interview was super.  Fairly new department head, brand new supervisor.  I wasn't nervous at all during the interview and felt very comfortable.  I couldn't deny the positivity floating through the air.  I went home that night very excited but then I called a friend crying with fear.  The fear!  The fucking fear!  It kept creeping up on me.  When the sun came up the next day, though, I managed to find my girl balls again and accepted the job.  I did it because in the end, fear was the only reason I would have turned down the job.

I will always love my old department.  I have loved that place since I was a student worker.  I didn't leave because I hated it.  The need for change and the need to fight my fear drove my choice.  I'll miss the people terribly.  I can't even look at that building yet but I know that will change.  I know the friendships I made will last.  I know my new job will provide me more money, more opportunity to take time off in the summer, and will provide a little less stressful environment for me.  I feel good knowing that I did everything I could have in my old job.  I made an impact and it made an impact on me.

So onward and forward I go.  To the next chapter.  You may not know, but my 40th year is approaching fast.  Perhaps this is the first of many changes to come.  I hope so.  I need to find myself.  I need to find more happiness.  I need more open doors of opportunity and I know I won't have a chance in hell if I let fear win.

Junk in the Trunk

I'm reading the book, "Eat Pray Love".  I didn't realize it was based on the author's own experience.  So far, I'm in love with it.  I relate to her struggle in some ways and I'm inspired by her decision to make this journey she writes about in order to heal herself.  I know it sounds corny but I've really been struggling lately and I feel like I was meant to read this book right now.

I have a lot of junk in my trunk (and I don't mean my ass here) that I need to sort through.  I need to be a better me and I need to get proactive about it.

Some of my favorites so far in this book...

"Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure.  Ours is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one.  Americans spend billions to keep themselves amused with everything from porn to theme parks to wars, but that's not exactly the same thing as quiet enjoyment.   Americans work harder and longer and more stressful hours than anyone in the world today."

"Americans don't really know how to do nothing."

"The Bhagavad Gita - that ancient Indian Yogic text - says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."    (I absolutely LOVE this one, by the way)                                                                                                                                          

Redirectional Gift From God

Over the weekend, my husband and I ran into the lady who runs the daycare our kids used to go to.  She looked a little thin and she was wearing a bandana on her head.  We hadn't seen her in a year.  Apparently back in June she found out she had a rare form of breast cancer.  She had just had her first baby and noticed her nipples were exceptionally sore.  Her doctor just associated it with beastfeeding.  It contined without getting better so she followed her instinct and sought out a second opinion.  Boom.  Breast cancer.  Chemo.  Double mastectomy.  She's younger than me.  I fought back tears the whole time she was telling her story.  What a scary experience for her.  Was she going to get through this?  Would her baby have to grow up without her?  I can't imagine what she dealt with.  And yet here she was in front of me.  All of that long red hair gone.  Her face hollowed.  But smiling and positive and thankful for life.  In that moment I fought the tears because I knew that she was beyond them.  She wouldn't have wanted to see them.  She wanted us to see her victory and hear the happy ending to her story.

We wished her well and spent the rest of the afternoon feeling grateful for good health.  Feeling silly for wasting energy worrying or being mad about things that just don't mean shit in the bigger picture.  I am constantly redirecting myself to live that way.  To live gratefully without tragedy happening first.  We shouldn't wait until an unfortunate life-altering experience to live fully.  I believe running into my friend and hearing her story was a little redirectional gift from God.

Stay strong, my friend.

Why. Why? Why!!!!

Why at almost 40 years of age, is my face breaking out like a teenager?  Why do I feel like I don't belong?  Why haven't I become more secure with myself?  Why oh why can't I seem to get a firm grip on my diet and exercise?

These are the random thoughts I'm pondering tonight.  It's silly, really.  These thoughts that keep me from getting a good night's sleep and cause black circles under my eyes in the morning.