I think it's my age that brings me to this place. One of questions, deep thought and self-evaluation. I've been hungry for change for a some time now. The first big change was starting a new job. It's been a good change for me. I feel like as a result I'm in a better place with my husband and kids. I don't like my new job as much but the job I loved before doesn't exist anymore. The end of an era for me and some days, I admit, I mourn it. But I have to move forward. It's what we have to do in life.
I'm hungry for change but more importantly, I'm craving quality. Quality marriage, quality relationships with my kids and family, quality friendships, quality me. I'm moving closer to letting go of things in the past that I allow to define my present. I'm taking better care of myself physically and emotionally. My husband and I are putting more effort into our relationship. Often times, after 21 years together, comfort has taken the place of effort which always leads to ignored feelings and needs.
I also want quality friendships in my life. I don't have a long list of friends. And as scary as this is to admit, I have to wonder if some people I call friends value the friendship as much as I do. I always try to look at myself and ask if I'm doing something wrong and there are a some things I could improve upon. I'm guarded. I don't like conflict. I don't like being vulnerable. All things that could complicate a friendship.
Another thing to consider is that some people will float in and out of your life. Sometimes it's for a good reason. Sometimes there's no explanation. I have had friends who I've lost contact with but it wasn't because we ended on a bad note. It was just because our lives took different turns. Maybe we grew out of the relationship. So I guess that's what I'm looking at now. Seeing which friendships are still worth investing in and which ones just need to be gently let go of. It's scary. Thinking that you're the one that's hanging on tighter than the other.
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