Ruby Roo

 Ruby Roo came into our life suddenly.  My daughter had been looking on the shelter website and there she was.  I had never had a dog.  Our family had never had a dog.  I remember feeling nervous about it but there was something about her and so the next morning, we went to the shelter and brought her home.  She spent the whole trip home standing between the two front seats and licking my husband and I.  When she got to our house, she claimed the leather recliner as her own.  How could we say no?

She was two years old when we met her.  We had her in our lives for nine.  She helped my son overcome his fear of dogs.  She slept with my kids.  She made us laugh.  She frustrated us at times.  She was an awful leash walker.  She loved snow.  She didn't really care for the beach or the lake.  She ran away from our home three times but only because she wanted to explore.  We forgave her when we found her trotting along with a big smile on her face.  On the first day in our new house, she pooped in our bedroom.  She loved going to Auntie Tracy's house when we went on vacation.  She was needy and anxious and begged for treats from our neighbor.  She was there for us when we felt sad.  She ran fast and chased squirrels.  She chased a chipmunk out of our basement once.  She snuggled with us.  She listened to us.  She loved us deeply even we when were ugly.  It's the reason, I believe, that dog spelled backwards is god.

And so she left us almost as suddenly as she entered our lives.  I know she's not in pain anymore but I'm struggling with the decision to put her down.  We all miss her terribly.  The house is incredibly quiet.  There were days when I couldn't stand the sound of her nails on the floor and now I wish I could.  We still catch ourselves locking the garbage can in the kitchen.  I catch myself thinking I forgot to let her out one more time before bed.  I swear I hear her whining at the bottom of the stairs for me.  I swore I saw her come to the fence the other day when I came home from work.  I guess all that will change with time.  I'll be able (someday) to look at pictures of her without crying.

She was a wonderful little soul.  Everyone who met her, loved her.  She was gentle and loved unconditionally.  She brought us joy and comforted us when we were sad.  We'll never forget her.  We are thankful for what she gave us.

Letter From A Mother to a Bully

Dear Bully Bitch,

Hello.  Let me introduce myself.  I'm the mother of the girl you loosely called a friend.  You know...the one you tortured with hurtful words and twisted plots to alienate her from anyone wanting to be her true friend.  The beautiful, independent, strong-willed young lady you slowly broke, making her feel small, unworthy, fat, ugly, insignificant.  The one who holed herself up in her room day after day.  The one who used every excuse in the book to stay home from school.  The one whose grades started falling, who begged to take online classes in order to avoid your abuse.  The one who didn't enjoy her senior year, who probably prayed that it would end.  The one who suffered in silence because she didn't want to make it worse.  The one who had all her friends turn their backs on her because they were too fearful to take a stand.  Who could blame them, I guess.  It was widely rumored that standing up to you would mean similar punishment.

I'm her mother.  I brought her into this world and watched her dance to her own beat from day one.  So imagine how I felt (difficult as it may be for you) when I saw her slip into this dark space for more than a year.  Silly me.  Why would you care?  By then, you had turned all her friends against her, ripped her of her confidence, and were busy building up your "perfect life" on social media.  You're lucky I didn't rip your face off.

It's been almost two years.  She is finally returning to her true self.  Finally has her confidence back now that she doesn't have your toxicity in her life.  Your goal to completely destroy her didn't work.  She's making a comeback.  There was a time when I absolutely despised you.  When I would have liked to have seen you suffer.  Now, I sometimes feel pity for you.  You were born into a chaotic life, I know.  You are the result of your upbringing.  You want people to feel the pain you have felt in your young life.  It doesn't make it right.  You always have a choice.  You could have chosen to be a better person.  I believe in your quiet moments, you know your wrong doings.  God whispers them to you.

But mostly I don't think of you at all.  What I think of is how my daughter found her way back to the light of life, stronger and smarter.  She has gained an understanding of how not to treat people.  She has learned what she doesn't want in a friend.  She has learned what she can endure.  She has found herself.  She's taking her life back and has no time for anyone like you.  She will go on and find her unique space in this world while you remain wicked and envious and shallow and lonely.

Good luck with that,

K

Defining Success

I've been thinking a lot lately about what success means.  I'm in the midst of a crossroads myself and so is my daughter so it's no wonder this topic is on the brain.

My daughter decided not to attend college right away in the fall.  I'm sure this was a hard thing to have to tell your parents when the topic of going to college comes up in conversations again and again your senior year of high school.  As a parent, when you receive this news, your heart sinks a little.  After all, it's somehow the way we're programmed to think - graduate from high school and go to college.  A panic attack ensues full of worry and what-if's.  Is she just scared?  Should I push harder for her to go?  If she takes time off, will she ever go?  Does supporting her life journey have boundaries?  These questions are what sleepless nights are made of.  It didn't make sense.   Highly intelligent young lady.  Got good grades most of her life.  Extremely high ACT scores.  Always in the above average column on all those tests they take beginning in kindergarten.

And then I thought about this notion of having to go to college.  Has this become another keep-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon?  I mean, when my grandparents and parents graduated from high school, it wasn't automatically assumed that everyone went to college next.  Most didn't.  And what about all the young adults who go to college and do poorly, take extra time to graduate, change majors a half a dozen times, or just plain drop out after a year?  How many of those students, if given the chance, would have taken some time off between high school and college, would have gladly done so if they knew they wouldn't disappoint their families?  How many of those young adults would have found happiness and success a different way if given the chance?

I work at a university and have seen my share of students floundering through courses because they are led to believe this is the only way to achieve success and ultimately happiness in life.  I've actually heard students say they were only here because their parents wanted them to be here.  Really?  Do I want the same for my kids?  Do I want to force a circle into a square because I don't want people in my life to look down upon my parenting skills and my kid's character?  I have always believed that every soul on this earth has its own unique journey, a journey that is far greater than my parental guidelines.  My job as a parent is to support my child's uniqueness and be her number one fan so that she feels supported enough to go out into the world and be who she wants to be.  I don't get to control that journey.

Still, I find myself frustrated.  I find myself pleading to God, "Please help her find her way."  I guess it's another thing that can't be controlled...a mom's worry. 

March Babies

My first born is officially an adult.  I'm fragile from how fast it goes.  I'm excited for her because I loved this time in my own life.  I can't wait to see what she does next.

I also had a birthday.  Mine is not the milestone that my daughter's is this year but in a way it is for me.  I can't wait to see what I do next.  Change is on the horizon for me, whatever that may be.  I just feel it.  I'm working on a better me.  My birthday wish for my daughter is that she always pays attention to herself, her needs and her feelings as well as those of the ones she loves.  Her self is just as important.  When you love yourself, you can better love others.  And don't wait until you're in your forties to not only know that, but to live it as well.

Summer Is

Summer is...
Sand on the floor
Hand and dog nose prints on the front door
The smell of grill smoke
Waves
Flowers
Tree shade
Roller coasters
Beer
A long-awaited thunderstorm
Swimsuits and beach towels hanging on railings and doorknobs
Bikes
Beach fires

Cedar Point 2015

I can't believe I forgot to post about this year's trip to Cedar Point.  It was a month ago!  Better late than never.

Last year we brought our kids to Cedar Point for the first time and now they are ruined.  They will probably never want to go to any other amusement park again.  We all had so much fun.  We promised to return but not this year.  Maybe the next year, we said...until one day our daughter announced that she and her friend were going to try and get down to Cedar Point themselves (with the help of my brother-in-law, the coaster fanatic).  The next day, I came home from work to find two pouting faces at the kitchen table:  my daughter and my HUSBAND!  Pleasssse, we should go too.

I'm the money worry wart in our house.  I kept thinking about our daughter's senior year and all the expenses that come with it. But through some coaxing on his part and a promise to only go for one day instead of two, I agreed.  Life is short.  The kids are getting older.  Why not.  I'm so glad he talked me into it.      

It really is a bonding experience for all of us.  Lots of memories made.  I spent last weekend watching my grama slowly fading away.  I know that for her, now, things and money don't matter.  Family and memories made with them are what stay with you as you reach the end of your life.  So I'm doing more of this stuff because that's what makes us rich in the end.

Family Weekend

My sister-in-law, niece and nephew came to visit for the weekend.  My nephew was checking out our town and the university here.  My husband is very excited at the thought of him coming to school here.  Since my sister-in-law regrets not going away to college, she is even more excited about the prospect of her son going away to school.  He seemed excited but did mention that he was concerned about the long trip here.

We always have fun when they come to town.  We laugh a lot and despite having a full house, it's pretty laid back.  My kind of company.

 

Another Birthday, Girl-Woman

My daughter is 17 today.  I know I sound like every parent but where DOES the time go?  I looked through pictures this morning to put a Facebook collage together and it was like watching a movie of the last 17 years in fast forward.  It's all good though.  Life doesn't stop.

She's so close to starting a new big chapter of her life and she's chomping at the bit.  I remember it well; I was the same way.  I spent lots of time when I was her age dreaming of life after high school.

I wonder what her wish was today.  I hope she gets all her wishes.  I hope she doesn't spend all of her time waiting for the next chapter but instead lives in the moment...every moment.

Dealing with Death

It's been a rocky couple of weeks here.  My daughter had two friends die within a week of each other and both tragically.  One in a snowboarding accident and the other shot himself.  I've had to deal with tragic death in my life but never were two so close together.  It has sucked as a parent to watch her have to deal with it.  Young people think they are invincible.  I heard her one friend question faith as a result and that saying that it was just that person's time to go.  I guess I can't blame her or my daughter for thinking that way.

On the other hand, it was heartwarming to watch my daughter and her friends rally together.  Keeping each other company and being extra kind to each other.  They did exactly the right thing and really the only thing they could do.  Just love each other.

I told my daughter that from here on out it's important to live the life that her two friends won't be able to on earth.  Be grateful and keep them in mind when she's doing something fun, when she reaches a goal, when she hits a milestone, when she finishes a chapter.  I hope she listened.

Bike Riding at Lunch Down Memory Lane

 We've been having super weather for this time of year.  It feels like summer.  I rode my bike to work the other day...cuz I can!  It really feels like a second cup of coffee for me sometimes.  Everything is still pretty quiet that time of morning.

At lunchtime, I thought I would ride my bike down to the lake and just soak in awesomeness for an hour.  I sat on a bench and closed my eyes for a while.  Then I strolled down the beach.  I felt pretty blessed.

That particular space has a lot of memories for my family.  We'd take our kids there all the time when they were tater tots and we didn't have our own backyard.  I got a little sad looking at the playground.  You know that feeling as a parent when it feels sad, nostalgic but warm?  That was the one.

I remember when each my kids ran across the tops of the green tires by themselves for the first time, starting on the little ones and then trying the big ones.  My daughter loved to pushed insanely high and fast on the tire swing.  My son always running towards the beach to throw rocks in the water.  Why do those memories always evoke tears?  Are they tears of sadness or happiness?  Sadness because those days are gone and happiness because you were lucky to have them?  That's my guess.

Beerfest 2014

Last year was the first time I went to the local Beerfest.  Afterwards I had the strangest buzz.  So strange that when my husband asked me if I wanted to go again this year, I was not real excited.  But my sister-in-law needed a weekend away from home and wanted to drink beer so I said okay.

This year I plotted out my choices, staying away from all the hyped barrel-aged stuff.  Well, I did have one but I also managed to drink slow and sip some water now and again.  It worked out much better and we had a lot of fun.  The weather was perfect.  We drank beer, made fun of some people, laughed at ourselves and my husband got an autographed beer sign from the guys of Dark Horse Nation.

And we're off.  Nice photo bombers in the back.

Cheers to the lightweights in the chairs...one hour in.

Autographed sign..made hubby's day

Beer guzzling bunny band

Fat man on an apple swing

Last two tokens, baby.

Cedar Point 2014

Our second trip of the year was to Cedar Point.  My kids have never been there.  Well, my daughter has technically but she was only two weeks old in my belly and I didn't know she was there yet.  Hahaha!  Probably why she rode everything without fear.

It was really fun to have all the cousins spend time together.  We usually don't take more than one trip a year; hell, we sometimes don't take any.  But we decided that our kids aren't getting any younger and memories have to be made so the to-do list will have to wait.  It was worth it.  There were more smiles and laughing than complaining and pouting.  This is huge considering we (four adults and 6 kids) spent 14 hours at the park the first day and 12 hours there the second.  They're already talking about the next trip.

The Drive of Shame

I ran into my aunt at the grocery store yesterday.  She lives with my grandpa who is a victim of dementia which will likely turn into Alzheimer's.  Yes, I meant to say victim because that's how I feel about this disease.  It slowly takes away the person you know and the ones in his life slowly get taken away from his mind.  It sucks.

Anyway, on top of all that, she was let go from her job after 30 years of being there.  The doctor she worked for up and left.  Gave the office six weeks' notice and has not paid their last pension payment to them yet.  My aunt was planning several trips this year.  After two, almost three years of constantly caring for my grandpa, she was finally going to get back to traveling.  It's her favorite thing and my uncle is in a position to help out more with grandpa.  She was actually in Dublin when she got the news about her job.  "I enjoyed it but in the back of my mind I kept thinking about how I wouldn't have a job when I got back," she said.  She already booked a couple more trips and it's not like you can cancel airline tickets.

As we were talking, a friend of hers stopped and she was forced to tell the story all over again.  I wondered how many times she had to revisit this.  Every person she runs into must ask.  Over and over, leaving a conversation feeling like crap.  I said goodbye and continued with my shopping list.  My cart was full and my aunt didn't even have a cart.  Just a couple things in hand.  Seemed symbolic all of a sudden.  So much so that by the time I got to the car, I was crying.  I felt so bad for her.  So close to retiring but not quite ready.  You know how many times I've heard this in the past decade?  Let see...my dad twice, my mother-in-law, two of my husband's uncles.  It's a sign of the times and it sucks like my grandpa's decaying mind.

Which brought me back to my full cart.  God, I suck too.  You know how many times in the past decade I've said, "fuck my life"?  More tears.  I began a conversation with the big guy upstairs.  I thanked Him for all the blessings in my life:  a healthy family, a steady job, a place to live, great health insurance compared to the national average.  A full cart.  Yeah, I had a leaky shower drain last week and my cars are falling apart and my insurance is about to go up with a 16-year-old but big deal.  I wasn't my dad, getting his degree at 60 years old and networking with a bunch of people half his age trying to land a better job.  I wasn't my aunt saying I'll just ride it out on unemployment until I figure something out.  And I wasn't my mother-in-law working at a grocery store bakery with no insurance and no retirement plan anymore.

I cried all the way home.  The drive of shame to the east side of town with my trunk full of groceries knowing that I hadn't been thankful doing the same thing many Saturdays before.  I spread the shame when I got home by telling my husband what had happened and that we had no business complaining about our life.  It wasn't fair to those in our family who had it worse.  He agreed.  I thanked God one more time.

Chicago Sweet 16

When we had asked our daughter what she wanted for her 16th birthday besides a driver's license, she immediately blurted out, "I think it would be cool to go to shopping in Chicago.  Mom, even you said that before."  What?  Oh maybe I did.

It was an awesome time!  I don't think my kids truly understood the enormity of the city until they got there.  I got a sweet deal on room at the Sheraton Towers.

We made it to the Skydeck...

Shedd Aquarium...

And, of course, The Bean.

My son loved the Skydeck and the pool at the hotel.  Neither of my kids were impressed with the aquarium. And, of course, my daughter and I did plenty of shopping.  I mean shop until we had to hobble back to the hotel.  My husband and I saw a semi-celebrity.  A man from "My Strange Addiction" who is obsessed with plastic surgery and wants to look like a ken doll.

We ate at Food Life, Red Mango and Hot Woks Cool Sushi.  We also stopped at Garrett Popcorn...twice.  It's addicting.

We got approached by Save the Children, homosexual rights and vegan activists and homeless people looking for money.  We rode in three cabs, one of which smelled like piss.  We saw where a movie was being filmed on Michigan Avenue.  My husband got asked to buy a man a Chick-Fil-A sandwich twice and got offered a shoe shine by another man even though he was wearing sneakers.  I got called a cheap ass by a cab driver.  We got the full city experience.

Oh! To Be a Stay-At-Home Mom

I had to call in to work today.  My son is sick, which is rare.  He's not quite old enough (in my opinion) to be left home alone when he's sick unlike my high school daughter.  It was quiet in the house.  My husband at work, my daughter at school and my son sleeping with the dog.  I had a thought.  This could have been my life everyday if I had the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom.  I could have this quiet every morning before starting my daily routine.  I would have time to scramble eggs for my kids in the morning if they wanted them.  I wouldn't have to call my boss when my son was home sick from school. 

It's the quilt and occasional resentment I deal with as a working mom.  My husband and I were never in a financial position to make that an option years ago.  Plus, I think as a child of divorced parents, I have always felt the need to have my own job just in case things ever went sour in my own marriage.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom and I watched her go out in the world and look for work when I was in middle school, preparing to be a single mom.  She said to me once, "Always have a skill.  Always have a way to make your own money."  Partially words of wisdom to her young daughter and partially kicking herself in hindsight.  Maybe it was then that I realized I would be a working mom out of fear of depending on someone else.  Who knows.  I just know that as a grown women looking back, I would have liked to have had the choice to stay at home.  Avoid the guilt and occasional resentment as a working mom.

Ultimately, though, your kids have a path in life either way.  They are destined to do certain things and make certain choices whether or not you had time to scramble eggs in the morning for them.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom to my sister and I and a working mom to my younger brother later in life.  We all turned out pretty great.  We've all made our way into the world and made our choices and live our own lives happily.  I have said in the past that home is a verb.  It's what you do within the walls you live that matters most.  You can raise great kids in a shack or mansion; as a working mom or a stay-at-home mom; as a strict or liberal parent.  It's about doing what's best and or necessary for your family.

Photo courtesy of Lina Blair

Michigan Tech Winter Carnival

Last weekend we ventured further up north to Houghton for winter carnival.  I used to live up there and remember going to see the ice sculptures as a kid.  My kids weren't as enthused as I was to be there but it was a rare occasion that all four of us spent the day together.  My son did like the theme (super heroes) and took more pictures than me.  We had a good time.

Eben Ice Caves

I can check a little something off my bucket list; visiting the Eben Ice Caves.  It was perfect weather for winter hiking on Saturday and the family was bored so I suggested going there.  It was a fairly easy but long hike in.  Seeing the ice was worth the journey though.  Pretty cool.