Feeling, Wanting, Tired Of

Feeling stifled
Feeling uninspired
Feeling blah
Feeling like a failure
Feeling insignificant

Tired of whining
Tired of waiting
Tired of wanting
Tired of wasting time

Want to feel fulfilled
Want to change my attitude
Want to prove I can change
Want to be brave
Want to be inspired
Want to follow my true path in life
Want to feel empowered

Summer Is

Summer is...
Sand on the floor
Hand and dog nose prints on the front door
The smell of grill smoke
Waves
Flowers
Tree shade
Roller coasters
Beer
A long-awaited thunderstorm
Swimsuits and beach towels hanging on railings and doorknobs
Bikes
Beach fires

Cedar Point 2015

I can't believe I forgot to post about this year's trip to Cedar Point.  It was a month ago!  Better late than never.

Last year we brought our kids to Cedar Point for the first time and now they are ruined.  They will probably never want to go to any other amusement park again.  We all had so much fun.  We promised to return but not this year.  Maybe the next year, we said...until one day our daughter announced that she and her friend were going to try and get down to Cedar Point themselves (with the help of my brother-in-law, the coaster fanatic).  The next day, I came home from work to find two pouting faces at the kitchen table:  my daughter and my HUSBAND!  Pleasssse, we should go too.

I'm the money worry wart in our house.  I kept thinking about our daughter's senior year and all the expenses that come with it. But through some coaxing on his part and a promise to only go for one day instead of two, I agreed.  Life is short.  The kids are getting older.  Why not.  I'm so glad he talked me into it.      

It really is a bonding experience for all of us.  Lots of memories made.  I spent last weekend watching my grama slowly fading away.  I know that for her, now, things and money don't matter.  Family and memories made with them are what stay with you as you reach the end of your life.  So I'm doing more of this stuff because that's what makes us rich in the end.

Looking For Meaning

I try to avoid negative posts to my blog.  But it is called Kristi Randomly so I guess I need to randomly be negative.

I'm not feeling negative so much as I'm feeling lost and blah.  I know part of that is just changing my mind frame.  You do have to chose to be happy and hopeful.  I know that.  But we as humans sometimes have to let ourselves feel the opposite for a bit and get it out of our system.

Lately everything has been crap.  My grama is near the end of her life.  My daughter failed her math class needed to graduate.  Our one car took a crap and we needed to dump a ton of money into it.  This meant we had to miss our nephew's graduation party downstate.  The coffee pot broke.  My favorite neighbor moved away.  Not to mention many other things gone wrong that would normally not be a big deal but in the midst of the others, it just feels like more stones being thrown at me.

When I think of spending the next 20+ years in my line of work, I could sometimes puke.  Why wasn't I more focused in college?  Why did I shy away from some of my dreams?  I want to be that person who not only enjoys her personal life to the fullest but also enjoys going to her job.  I feel a bit dull lately in both.  I wonder sometimes if I'm just too scared and unmotivated to do anything about it.  I wonder if I'm having some sort of mid-life crisis.  While turning 40 made me less concerned with what people think of me, it has also caused some anxiety about growing older and not packing enough into each day.  It has made me weigh my successes and failures.  It keeps me up a lot at night.  ZzzQuil has become my new friend.  I despise the energy I have spent on all this pondering.

This is when I pull out my favorite quote for tough times:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

I'm hanging on, Harriet.  The wait is exhausting sometimes but I know you're right about that tide.




  

Big Bird Burgers

I haven't blogged about a recipe in a while.  I have a Rachel Ray cookbook but haven't tried anything new in a while from it so last weekend I decided to.  It's the Big Bird Burger.  It's a chicken burger with spinach topped with sauteed mushrooms and Dijon mustard.  They were fantastic and I actually can't wait to try them on the grill this summer.

I'm too lazy to type out the recipe so here's a link to it online.

Family Weekend

My sister-in-law, niece and nephew came to visit for the weekend.  My nephew was checking out our town and the university here.  My husband is very excited at the thought of him coming to school here.  Since my sister-in-law regrets not going away to college, she is even more excited about the prospect of her son going away to school.  He seemed excited but did mention that he was concerned about the long trip here.

We always have fun when they come to town.  We laugh a lot and despite having a full house, it's pretty laid back.  My kind of company.

 

Another Birthday, Girl-Woman

My daughter is 17 today.  I know I sound like every parent but where DOES the time go?  I looked through pictures this morning to put a Facebook collage together and it was like watching a movie of the last 17 years in fast forward.  It's all good though.  Life doesn't stop.

She's so close to starting a new big chapter of her life and she's chomping at the bit.  I remember it well; I was the same way.  I spent lots of time when I was her age dreaming of life after high school.

I wonder what her wish was today.  I hope she gets all her wishes.  I hope she doesn't spend all of her time waiting for the next chapter but instead lives in the moment...every moment.

Dealing with Death

It's been a rocky couple of weeks here.  My daughter had two friends die within a week of each other and both tragically.  One in a snowboarding accident and the other shot himself.  I've had to deal with tragic death in my life but never were two so close together.  It has sucked as a parent to watch her have to deal with it.  Young people think they are invincible.  I heard her one friend question faith as a result and that saying that it was just that person's time to go.  I guess I can't blame her or my daughter for thinking that way.

On the other hand, it was heartwarming to watch my daughter and her friends rally together.  Keeping each other company and being extra kind to each other.  They did exactly the right thing and really the only thing they could do.  Just love each other.

I told my daughter that from here on out it's important to live the life that her two friends won't be able to on earth.  Be grateful and keep them in mind when she's doing something fun, when she reaches a goal, when she hits a milestone, when she finishes a chapter.  I hope she listened.

In Search of Quality

I think it's my age that brings me to this place.  One of questions, deep thought and self-evaluation.  I've been hungry for change for a some time now.  The first big change was starting a new job.  It's been a good change for me.  I feel like as a result I'm in a better place with my husband and kids.  I don't like my new job as much but the job I loved before doesn't exist anymore.  The end of an era for me and some days, I admit, I mourn it.  But I have to move forward.  It's what we have to do in life.

I'm hungry for change but more importantly, I'm craving quality.  Quality marriage, quality relationships with my kids and family, quality friendships, quality me.  I'm moving closer to letting go of things in the past that I allow to define my present.  I'm taking better care of myself physically and emotionally.  My husband and I are putting more effort into our relationship.  Often times, after 21 years together, comfort has taken the place of effort which always leads to ignored feelings and needs.

I also want quality friendships in my life.  I don't have a long list of friends.  And as scary as this is to admit, I have to wonder if some people I call friends value the friendship as much as I do.  I always try to look at myself and ask if I'm doing something wrong and there are a some things I could improve upon.  I'm guarded.  I don't like conflict.  I don't like being vulnerable.  All things that could complicate a friendship.

Another thing to consider is that some people will float in and out of your life.  Sometimes it's for a good reason.  Sometimes there's no explanation.  I have had friends who I've lost contact with but it wasn't because we ended on a bad note.  It was just because our lives took different turns.  Maybe we grew out of the relationship.  So I guess that's what I'm looking at now.  Seeing which friendships are still worth investing in and which ones just need to be gently let go of.  It's scary.  Thinking that you're the one that's hanging on tighter than the other.

Anitque Store Finds

Every once and a while we make an antique store run to see if anything strikes our fancy.  Our latest trip landed us these finds:

Pictures brought to you by my new phone!  It's been almost seven years since I last picked out a new cell phone.  My last one was a hand-me-down FROM MY DAUGHTER!!!  How does that happen?  She should be getting my hand-me-downs.  Ah well.  I'm in cell phone heaven and my family is tired of hearing about all the things that little handful of technology can do but too bad!  

Painting Birch

So my friend, Cindi, sent me an email and told me of this painting class.  You get to paint a picture and do some wine tasting.  SOLD!  This particular week they were going to paint birch trees.  BONUS!  WIN, WIN!

It was so relaxing and fun.  I would do it again in a heat beat.  Step out that box and try something new.