It has been the hardest year for me. I have been dealing with what seems like an endless chain of sad events, hurt feelings, worry, financial burdens, disappointments. I seriously don't recognize my own life. Nothing feels right. Not my home, my marriage, my kids, my job, my routine. It's the strangest and scariest feeling. I have isolated myself for the most part, not wanting to talk to anyone about it. I don't need judgment, or lack of interest, or publicity. Mostly I'm protecting myself and my family. Privacy seems important now more than ever. It's so hard to go to work sometimes and go about the day and act like everything's the same 'ol. I avoid family functions and phone calls. Some days I get in my car and think about just driving as far as I can on a tank of gas and not coming back. Building walls and running. Two ugly traits that I have struggled with my whole life. Real big pain in the ass when life is challenging you. I have been given lemons but fuck making lemonade. I want to squeeze the lemon juice in my eyes to make sure I'm still alive and not the zombie I feel like.
Before you wonder if I'm a half step away from the psych ward or suicide, I know what I have to do. I have to come out of my hole and just deal with things day by day. Fight back. Practice mindfulness. Blow hopeful kisses at the universe and hope they are returned to me. Remaining negative and isolated doesn't help your karma. So I continue to do whatever gives me some relief - journaling, meditating, talking to my therapist, watching funny sitcoms, catching the sunrise. Whatever keeps the thought odometer pointing slightly more towards positive rather than negative thinking.
This year has been a humbling one. I just want it to end. New beginnings have to arrive soon. They just have to.
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