Ruby Roo

 Ruby Roo came into our life suddenly.  My daughter had been looking on the shelter website and there she was.  I had never had a dog.  Our family had never had a dog.  I remember feeling nervous about it but there was something about her and so the next morning, we went to the shelter and brought her home.  She spent the whole trip home standing between the two front seats and licking my husband and I.  When she got to our house, she claimed the leather recliner as her own.  How could we say no?

She was two years old when we met her.  We had her in our lives for nine.  She helped my son overcome his fear of dogs.  She slept with my kids.  She made us laugh.  She frustrated us at times.  She was an awful leash walker.  She loved snow.  She didn't really care for the beach or the lake.  She ran away from our home three times but only because she wanted to explore.  We forgave her when we found her trotting along with a big smile on her face.  On the first day in our new house, she pooped in our bedroom.  She loved going to Auntie Tracy's house when we went on vacation.  She was needy and anxious and begged for treats from our neighbor.  She was there for us when we felt sad.  She ran fast and chased squirrels.  She chased a chipmunk out of our basement once.  She snuggled with us.  She listened to us.  She loved us deeply even we when were ugly.  It's the reason, I believe, that dog spelled backwards is god.

And so she left us almost as suddenly as she entered our lives.  I know she's not in pain anymore but I'm struggling with the decision to put her down.  We all miss her terribly.  The house is incredibly quiet.  There were days when I couldn't stand the sound of her nails on the floor and now I wish I could.  We still catch ourselves locking the garbage can in the kitchen.  I catch myself thinking I forgot to let her out one more time before bed.  I swear I hear her whining at the bottom of the stairs for me.  I swore I saw her come to the fence the other day when I came home from work.  I guess all that will change with time.  I'll be able (someday) to look at pictures of her without crying.

She was a wonderful little soul.  Everyone who met her, loved her.  She was gentle and loved unconditionally.  She brought us joy and comforted us when we were sad.  We'll never forget her.  We are thankful for what she gave us.

Letter From A Mother to a Bully

Dear Bully Bitch,

Hello.  Let me introduce myself.  I'm the mother of the girl you loosely called a friend.  You know...the one you tortured with hurtful words and twisted plots to alienate her from anyone wanting to be her true friend.  The beautiful, independent, strong-willed young lady you slowly broke, making her feel small, unworthy, fat, ugly, insignificant.  The one who holed herself up in her room day after day.  The one who used every excuse in the book to stay home from school.  The one whose grades started falling, who begged to take online classes in order to avoid your abuse.  The one who didn't enjoy her senior year, who probably prayed that it would end.  The one who suffered in silence because she didn't want to make it worse.  The one who had all her friends turn their backs on her because they were too fearful to take a stand.  Who could blame them, I guess.  It was widely rumored that standing up to you would mean similar punishment.

I'm her mother.  I brought her into this world and watched her dance to her own beat from day one.  So imagine how I felt (difficult as it may be for you) when I saw her slip into this dark space for more than a year.  Silly me.  Why would you care?  By then, you had turned all her friends against her, ripped her of her confidence, and were busy building up your "perfect life" on social media.  You're lucky I didn't rip your face off.

It's been almost two years.  She is finally returning to her true self.  Finally has her confidence back now that she doesn't have your toxicity in her life.  Your goal to completely destroy her didn't work.  She's making a comeback.  There was a time when I absolutely despised you.  When I would have liked to have seen you suffer.  Now, I sometimes feel pity for you.  You were born into a chaotic life, I know.  You are the result of your upbringing.  You want people to feel the pain you have felt in your young life.  It doesn't make it right.  You always have a choice.  You could have chosen to be a better person.  I believe in your quiet moments, you know your wrong doings.  God whispers them to you.

But mostly I don't think of you at all.  What I think of is how my daughter found her way back to the light of life, stronger and smarter.  She has gained an understanding of how not to treat people.  She has learned what she doesn't want in a friend.  She has learned what she can endure.  She has found herself.  She's taking her life back and has no time for anyone like you.  She will go on and find her unique space in this world while you remain wicked and envious and shallow and lonely.

Good luck with that,

K

Tough year

It has been the hardest year for me.  I have been dealing with what seems like an endless chain of sad events, hurt feelings, worry, financial burdens, disappointments.  I seriously don't recognize my own life.  Nothing feels right.  Not my home, my marriage, my kids, my job, my routine.  It's the strangest and scariest feeling.  I have isolated myself for the most part, not wanting to talk to anyone about it.  I don't need judgment, or lack of interest, or publicity.  Mostly I'm protecting myself and my family. Privacy seems important now more than ever.  It's so hard to go to work sometimes and go about the day and act like everything's the same 'ol.  I avoid family functions and phone calls.  Some days I get in my car and think about just driving as far as I can on a tank of gas and not coming back.  Building walls and running.  Two ugly traits that I have struggled with my whole life.  Real big pain in the ass when life is challenging you.  I have been given lemons but fuck making lemonade.  I want to squeeze the lemon juice in my eyes to make sure I'm still alive and not the zombie I feel like.

Before you wonder if I'm a half step away from the psych ward or suicide, I know what I have to do.  I have to come out of my hole and just deal with things day by day.  Fight back.  Practice mindfulness.  Blow hopeful kisses at the universe and hope they are returned to me.  Remaining negative and isolated doesn't help your karma.  So I continue to do whatever gives me some relief - journaling, meditating, talking to my therapist, watching funny sitcoms, catching the sunrise.  Whatever keeps the thought odometer pointing slightly more towards positive rather than negative thinking. 

This year has been a humbling one.  I just want it to end.  New beginnings have to arrive soon.  They just have to.

Defining Success

I've been thinking a lot lately about what success means.  I'm in the midst of a crossroads myself and so is my daughter so it's no wonder this topic is on the brain.

My daughter decided not to attend college right away in the fall.  I'm sure this was a hard thing to have to tell your parents when the topic of going to college comes up in conversations again and again your senior year of high school.  As a parent, when you receive this news, your heart sinks a little.  After all, it's somehow the way we're programmed to think - graduate from high school and go to college.  A panic attack ensues full of worry and what-if's.  Is she just scared?  Should I push harder for her to go?  If she takes time off, will she ever go?  Does supporting her life journey have boundaries?  These questions are what sleepless nights are made of.  It didn't make sense.   Highly intelligent young lady.  Got good grades most of her life.  Extremely high ACT scores.  Always in the above average column on all those tests they take beginning in kindergarten.

And then I thought about this notion of having to go to college.  Has this become another keep-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon?  I mean, when my grandparents and parents graduated from high school, it wasn't automatically assumed that everyone went to college next.  Most didn't.  And what about all the young adults who go to college and do poorly, take extra time to graduate, change majors a half a dozen times, or just plain drop out after a year?  How many of those students, if given the chance, would have taken some time off between high school and college, would have gladly done so if they knew they wouldn't disappoint their families?  How many of those young adults would have found happiness and success a different way if given the chance?

I work at a university and have seen my share of students floundering through courses because they are led to believe this is the only way to achieve success and ultimately happiness in life.  I've actually heard students say they were only here because their parents wanted them to be here.  Really?  Do I want the same for my kids?  Do I want to force a circle into a square because I don't want people in my life to look down upon my parenting skills and my kid's character?  I have always believed that every soul on this earth has its own unique journey, a journey that is far greater than my parental guidelines.  My job as a parent is to support my child's uniqueness and be her number one fan so that she feels supported enough to go out into the world and be who she wants to be.  I don't get to control that journey.

Still, I find myself frustrated.  I find myself pleading to God, "Please help her find her way."  I guess it's another thing that can't be controlled...a mom's worry. 

Bedroom Paint

Here's the bedroom.  I've always considered this space my cocoon.  Now that it has some color including some darker shades, I absolutely spend more time here.  I have some trim to install and want to take the drop ceiling out but for now, I'm happy with this victory.  

Bathroom Paint

We've been living in a blah white bedroom and bathroom for almost six years now.  I've finally gotten the motivation to paint them.  They were challenging because the walls (most of them) are bead board so getting paint into all those grooves sucks.  There are some little things to touch up on but for the most part it's done.

March Babies

My first born is officially an adult.  I'm fragile from how fast it goes.  I'm excited for her because I loved this time in my own life.  I can't wait to see what she does next.

I also had a birthday.  Mine is not the milestone that my daughter's is this year but in a way it is for me.  I can't wait to see what I do next.  Change is on the horizon for me, whatever that may be.  I just feel it.  I'm working on a better me.  My birthday wish for my daughter is that she always pays attention to herself, her needs and her feelings as well as those of the ones she loves.  Her self is just as important.  When you love yourself, you can better love others.  And don't wait until you're in your forties to not only know that, but to live it as well.

New Living Room Artwork

So I've been trying to conquer some home improvement projects this winter.  Plus I feel the need to tap into my creative nature.  It makes me happy and relaxed and forces me to be mindful of my own life.  I needed new wall art.  I kept seeing things I liked but couldn't justify the price.  So that's when I went to work on my own art.  Pinterest is marvelous if you need to get inspired.  I saw this pattern and practiced drawing it like a hundred times on paper.  I drew these with chalk first and then went over that with metallic permanent marker.  Any chalk still on the canvas just wipes off.  Then I used craft paint for the inside feather detail.  

Looking at this shot, I realize I want to hang them closer together.  The art I had there before was larger.  Or maybe I need to try my hand at making some wood frames...hmmm.  

Beautiful Icy Place

We really do live in a beautiful place.

Someone else feels the same.  They sanded the beaten icy path down to the beach so everyone can enjoy what I did.

Feeling, Wanting, Tired Of

Feeling stifled
Feeling uninspired
Feeling blah
Feeling like a failure
Feeling insignificant

Tired of whining
Tired of waiting
Tired of wanting
Tired of wasting time

Want to feel fulfilled
Want to change my attitude
Want to prove I can change
Want to be brave
Want to be inspired
Want to follow my true path in life
Want to feel empowered

Summer Is

Summer is...
Sand on the floor
Hand and dog nose prints on the front door
The smell of grill smoke
Waves
Flowers
Tree shade
Roller coasters
Beer
A long-awaited thunderstorm
Swimsuits and beach towels hanging on railings and doorknobs
Bikes
Beach fires

Cedar Point 2015

I can't believe I forgot to post about this year's trip to Cedar Point.  It was a month ago!  Better late than never.

Last year we brought our kids to Cedar Point for the first time and now they are ruined.  They will probably never want to go to any other amusement park again.  We all had so much fun.  We promised to return but not this year.  Maybe the next year, we said...until one day our daughter announced that she and her friend were going to try and get down to Cedar Point themselves (with the help of my brother-in-law, the coaster fanatic).  The next day, I came home from work to find two pouting faces at the kitchen table:  my daughter and my HUSBAND!  Pleasssse, we should go too.

I'm the money worry wart in our house.  I kept thinking about our daughter's senior year and all the expenses that come with it. But through some coaxing on his part and a promise to only go for one day instead of two, I agreed.  Life is short.  The kids are getting older.  Why not.  I'm so glad he talked me into it.      

It really is a bonding experience for all of us.  Lots of memories made.  I spent last weekend watching my grama slowly fading away.  I know that for her, now, things and money don't matter.  Family and memories made with them are what stay with you as you reach the end of your life.  So I'm doing more of this stuff because that's what makes us rich in the end.

Looking For Meaning

I try to avoid negative posts to my blog.  But it is called Kristi Randomly so I guess I need to randomly be negative.

I'm not feeling negative so much as I'm feeling lost and blah.  I know part of that is just changing my mind frame.  You do have to chose to be happy and hopeful.  I know that.  But we as humans sometimes have to let ourselves feel the opposite for a bit and get it out of our system.

Lately everything has been crap.  My grama is near the end of her life.  My daughter failed her math class needed to graduate.  Our one car took a crap and we needed to dump a ton of money into it.  This meant we had to miss our nephew's graduation party downstate.  The coffee pot broke.  My favorite neighbor moved away.  Not to mention many other things gone wrong that would normally not be a big deal but in the midst of the others, it just feels like more stones being thrown at me.

When I think of spending the next 20+ years in my line of work, I could sometimes puke.  Why wasn't I more focused in college?  Why did I shy away from some of my dreams?  I want to be that person who not only enjoys her personal life to the fullest but also enjoys going to her job.  I feel a bit dull lately in both.  I wonder sometimes if I'm just too scared and unmotivated to do anything about it.  I wonder if I'm having some sort of mid-life crisis.  While turning 40 made me less concerned with what people think of me, it has also caused some anxiety about growing older and not packing enough into each day.  It has made me weigh my successes and failures.  It keeps me up a lot at night.  ZzzQuil has become my new friend.  I despise the energy I have spent on all this pondering.

This is when I pull out my favorite quote for tough times:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

I'm hanging on, Harriet.  The wait is exhausting sometimes but I know you're right about that tide.




  

Big Bird Burgers

I haven't blogged about a recipe in a while.  I have a Rachel Ray cookbook but haven't tried anything new in a while from it so last weekend I decided to.  It's the Big Bird Burger.  It's a chicken burger with spinach topped with sauteed mushrooms and Dijon mustard.  They were fantastic and I actually can't wait to try them on the grill this summer.

I'm too lazy to type out the recipe so here's a link to it online.

Family Weekend

My sister-in-law, niece and nephew came to visit for the weekend.  My nephew was checking out our town and the university here.  My husband is very excited at the thought of him coming to school here.  Since my sister-in-law regrets not going away to college, she is even more excited about the prospect of her son going away to school.  He seemed excited but did mention that he was concerned about the long trip here.

We always have fun when they come to town.  We laugh a lot and despite having a full house, it's pretty laid back.  My kind of company.

 

Another Birthday, Girl-Woman

My daughter is 17 today.  I know I sound like every parent but where DOES the time go?  I looked through pictures this morning to put a Facebook collage together and it was like watching a movie of the last 17 years in fast forward.  It's all good though.  Life doesn't stop.

She's so close to starting a new big chapter of her life and she's chomping at the bit.  I remember it well; I was the same way.  I spent lots of time when I was her age dreaming of life after high school.

I wonder what her wish was today.  I hope she gets all her wishes.  I hope she doesn't spend all of her time waiting for the next chapter but instead lives in the moment...every moment.

Dealing with Death

It's been a rocky couple of weeks here.  My daughter had two friends die within a week of each other and both tragically.  One in a snowboarding accident and the other shot himself.  I've had to deal with tragic death in my life but never were two so close together.  It has sucked as a parent to watch her have to deal with it.  Young people think they are invincible.  I heard her one friend question faith as a result and that saying that it was just that person's time to go.  I guess I can't blame her or my daughter for thinking that way.

On the other hand, it was heartwarming to watch my daughter and her friends rally together.  Keeping each other company and being extra kind to each other.  They did exactly the right thing and really the only thing they could do.  Just love each other.

I told my daughter that from here on out it's important to live the life that her two friends won't be able to on earth.  Be grateful and keep them in mind when she's doing something fun, when she reaches a goal, when she hits a milestone, when she finishes a chapter.  I hope she listened.

In Search of Quality

I think it's my age that brings me to this place.  One of questions, deep thought and self-evaluation.  I've been hungry for change for a some time now.  The first big change was starting a new job.  It's been a good change for me.  I feel like as a result I'm in a better place with my husband and kids.  I don't like my new job as much but the job I loved before doesn't exist anymore.  The end of an era for me and some days, I admit, I mourn it.  But I have to move forward.  It's what we have to do in life.

I'm hungry for change but more importantly, I'm craving quality.  Quality marriage, quality relationships with my kids and family, quality friendships, quality me.  I'm moving closer to letting go of things in the past that I allow to define my present.  I'm taking better care of myself physically and emotionally.  My husband and I are putting more effort into our relationship.  Often times, after 21 years together, comfort has taken the place of effort which always leads to ignored feelings and needs.

I also want quality friendships in my life.  I don't have a long list of friends.  And as scary as this is to admit, I have to wonder if some people I call friends value the friendship as much as I do.  I always try to look at myself and ask if I'm doing something wrong and there are a some things I could improve upon.  I'm guarded.  I don't like conflict.  I don't like being vulnerable.  All things that could complicate a friendship.

Another thing to consider is that some people will float in and out of your life.  Sometimes it's for a good reason.  Sometimes there's no explanation.  I have had friends who I've lost contact with but it wasn't because we ended on a bad note.  It was just because our lives took different turns.  Maybe we grew out of the relationship.  So I guess that's what I'm looking at now.  Seeing which friendships are still worth investing in and which ones just need to be gently let go of.  It's scary.  Thinking that you're the one that's hanging on tighter than the other.

Anitque Store Finds

Every once and a while we make an antique store run to see if anything strikes our fancy.  Our latest trip landed us these finds:

Pictures brought to you by my new phone!  It's been almost seven years since I last picked out a new cell phone.  My last one was a hand-me-down FROM MY DAUGHTER!!!  How does that happen?  She should be getting my hand-me-downs.  Ah well.  I'm in cell phone heaven and my family is tired of hearing about all the things that little handful of technology can do but too bad!  

Painting Birch

So my friend, Cindi, sent me an email and told me of this painting class.  You get to paint a picture and do some wine tasting.  SOLD!  This particular week they were going to paint birch trees.  BONUS!  WIN, WIN!

It was so relaxing and fun.  I would do it again in a heat beat.  Step out that box and try something new.