What's With That Anyway?

Okay, I said I didn't want my blog to be a bitching journal but I need an outlet tonight. I've been going through a rough patch the past few weeks. Okay, let's be honest. It's a pity party. I just don't feel good. Let's list the reasons why, shall we? This is, after all, my blog. I am grossed out by my body. I'm having a hard time balancing my life. I want to have more fun and feel more joy but most days I feel like I'm drowning in a bunch of to-do lists. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know I have lots to feel joy about. My chores are getting on my nerves. My family is getting on my nerves.

I'm getting on my nerves.

I've been having anxiety about getting older and not experiencing all the things I want to experience. I mean, why am I waiting? Again, let me mention all that to-do crap. It's exhausting being a mother and wife with a full-time job outside the home. I hate that I feel resentful of it all.

Then I look around when I'm at the store or at work. I see a lot of women with that same look in their eye that I see in mine when I look in the mirror. That exhausted, unsatisfied look. Bodies that were way more beautiful back when. Why do women have to sacrifice so much to have it all? Want to get married? Yep. Well know that you'll spend most of your time watching everything bad happen to you as a couple that you see happen in movies and hear about from your already married friends, no matter how much you say you won't. Want to have kids? Yep. But know your body will look like shit when it's all said and done and your hormones will take a complete 180. There's a good chance you won't even recognize yourself (physically and mentally). Personally, I haven't exposed my stomach in public ever since giving birth and I'm crabby more often. Just sayin. You like having sex and going out on dates? Yep. Yeah, well, you can kiss those silly things goodbye when you have a house to clean, a dog to feed, bills to pay and children's needs to tend to. Maybe when you're older and the kids move out. But you don't want to wait til then? Me neither.

And, again, here's where the guilt sets in about venting all of the above. There are many people in this world who have it a lot worse than I. I'm not stupid. I'm whining, but not stupid. I just fear looking back on my life and saying, "Well, I wanted to do that.," or, "Well, I wanted to feel that way." And every day that I sit here and feel sorry for myself and say fuck my life is a day that is wasted. I have to become proactive. One step at a time. Choose joy and fun over cleaning a toilet or saying yes to a sleep-over for the third weekend in a row. That's the only way...I think.