Letter From A Mother to a Bully

Dear Bully Bitch,

Hello.  Let me introduce myself.  I'm the mother of the girl you loosely called a friend.  You know...the one you tortured with hurtful words and twisted plots to alienate her from anyone wanting to be her true friend.  The beautiful, independent, strong-willed young lady you slowly broke, making her feel small, unworthy, fat, ugly, insignificant.  The one who holed herself up in her room day after day.  The one who used every excuse in the book to stay home from school.  The one whose grades started falling, who begged to take online classes in order to avoid your abuse.  The one who didn't enjoy her senior year, who probably prayed that it would end.  The one who suffered in silence because she didn't want to make it worse.  The one who had all her friends turn their backs on her because they were too fearful to take a stand.  Who could blame them, I guess.  It was widely rumored that standing up to you would mean similar punishment.

I'm her mother.  I brought her into this world and watched her dance to her own beat from day one.  So imagine how I felt (difficult as it may be for you) when I saw her slip into this dark space for more than a year.  Silly me.  Why would you care?  By then, you had turned all her friends against her, ripped her of her confidence, and were busy building up your "perfect life" on social media.  You're lucky I didn't rip your face off.

It's been almost two years.  She is finally returning to her true self.  Finally has her confidence back now that she doesn't have your toxicity in her life.  Your goal to completely destroy her didn't work.  She's making a comeback.  There was a time when I absolutely despised you.  When I would have liked to have seen you suffer.  Now, I sometimes feel pity for you.  You were born into a chaotic life, I know.  You are the result of your upbringing.  You want people to feel the pain you have felt in your young life.  It doesn't make it right.  You always have a choice.  You could have chosen to be a better person.  I believe in your quiet moments, you know your wrong doings.  God whispers them to you.

But mostly I don't think of you at all.  What I think of is how my daughter found her way back to the light of life, stronger and smarter.  She has gained an understanding of how not to treat people.  She has learned what she doesn't want in a friend.  She has learned what she can endure.  She has found herself.  She's taking her life back and has no time for anyone like you.  She will go on and find her unique space in this world while you remain wicked and envious and shallow and lonely.

Good luck with that,

K

Tough year

It has been the hardest year for me.  I have been dealing with what seems like an endless chain of sad events, hurt feelings, worry, financial burdens, disappointments.  I seriously don't recognize my own life.  Nothing feels right.  Not my home, my marriage, my kids, my job, my routine.  It's the strangest and scariest feeling.  I have isolated myself for the most part, not wanting to talk to anyone about it.  I don't need judgment, or lack of interest, or publicity.  Mostly I'm protecting myself and my family. Privacy seems important now more than ever.  It's so hard to go to work sometimes and go about the day and act like everything's the same 'ol.  I avoid family functions and phone calls.  Some days I get in my car and think about just driving as far as I can on a tank of gas and not coming back.  Building walls and running.  Two ugly traits that I have struggled with my whole life.  Real big pain in the ass when life is challenging you.  I have been given lemons but fuck making lemonade.  I want to squeeze the lemon juice in my eyes to make sure I'm still alive and not the zombie I feel like.

Before you wonder if I'm a half step away from the psych ward or suicide, I know what I have to do.  I have to come out of my hole and just deal with things day by day.  Fight back.  Practice mindfulness.  Blow hopeful kisses at the universe and hope they are returned to me.  Remaining negative and isolated doesn't help your karma.  So I continue to do whatever gives me some relief - journaling, meditating, talking to my therapist, watching funny sitcoms, catching the sunrise.  Whatever keeps the thought odometer pointing slightly more towards positive rather than negative thinking. 

This year has been a humbling one.  I just want it to end.  New beginnings have to arrive soon.  They just have to.

Defining Success

I've been thinking a lot lately about what success means.  I'm in the midst of a crossroads myself and so is my daughter so it's no wonder this topic is on the brain.

My daughter decided not to attend college right away in the fall.  I'm sure this was a hard thing to have to tell your parents when the topic of going to college comes up in conversations again and again your senior year of high school.  As a parent, when you receive this news, your heart sinks a little.  After all, it's somehow the way we're programmed to think - graduate from high school and go to college.  A panic attack ensues full of worry and what-if's.  Is she just scared?  Should I push harder for her to go?  If she takes time off, will she ever go?  Does supporting her life journey have boundaries?  These questions are what sleepless nights are made of.  It didn't make sense.   Highly intelligent young lady.  Got good grades most of her life.  Extremely high ACT scores.  Always in the above average column on all those tests they take beginning in kindergarten.

And then I thought about this notion of having to go to college.  Has this become another keep-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon?  I mean, when my grandparents and parents graduated from high school, it wasn't automatically assumed that everyone went to college next.  Most didn't.  And what about all the young adults who go to college and do poorly, take extra time to graduate, change majors a half a dozen times, or just plain drop out after a year?  How many of those students, if given the chance, would have taken some time off between high school and college, would have gladly done so if they knew they wouldn't disappoint their families?  How many of those young adults would have found happiness and success a different way if given the chance?

I work at a university and have seen my share of students floundering through courses because they are led to believe this is the only way to achieve success and ultimately happiness in life.  I've actually heard students say they were only here because their parents wanted them to be here.  Really?  Do I want the same for my kids?  Do I want to force a circle into a square because I don't want people in my life to look down upon my parenting skills and my kid's character?  I have always believed that every soul on this earth has its own unique journey, a journey that is far greater than my parental guidelines.  My job as a parent is to support my child's uniqueness and be her number one fan so that she feels supported enough to go out into the world and be who she wants to be.  I don't get to control that journey.

Still, I find myself frustrated.  I find myself pleading to God, "Please help her find her way."  I guess it's another thing that can't be controlled...a mom's worry. 

Bedroom Paint

Here's the bedroom.  I've always considered this space my cocoon.  Now that it has some color including some darker shades, I absolutely spend more time here.  I have some trim to install and want to take the drop ceiling out but for now, I'm happy with this victory.