It has been the hardest year for me. I have been dealing with what seems like an endless chain of sad events, hurt feelings, worry, financial burdens, disappointments. I seriously don't recognize my own life. Nothing feels right. Not my home, my marriage, my kids, my job, my routine. It's the strangest and scariest feeling. I have isolated myself for the most part, not wanting to talk to anyone about it. I don't need judgment, or lack of interest, or publicity. Mostly I'm protecting myself and my family. Privacy seems important now more than ever. It's so hard to go to work sometimes and go about the day and act like everything's the same 'ol. I avoid family functions and phone calls. Some days I get in my car and think about just driving as far as I can on a tank of gas and not coming back. Building walls and running. Two ugly traits that I have struggled with my whole life. Real big pain in the ass when life is challenging you. I have been given lemons but fuck making lemonade. I want to squeeze the lemon juice in my eyes to make sure I'm still alive and not the zombie I feel like.
Before you wonder if I'm a half step away from the psych ward or suicide, I know what I have to do. I have to come out of my hole and just deal with things day by day. Fight back. Practice mindfulness. Blow hopeful kisses at the universe and hope they are returned to me. Remaining negative and isolated doesn't help your karma. So I continue to do whatever gives me some relief - journaling, meditating, talking to my therapist, watching funny sitcoms, catching the sunrise. Whatever keeps the thought odometer pointing slightly more towards positive rather than negative thinking.
This year has been a humbling one. I just want it to end. New beginnings have to arrive soon. They just have to.
October 1, 2016
Defining Success
I've been thinking a lot lately about what success means. I'm in the midst of a crossroads myself and so is my daughter so it's no wonder this topic is on the brain.
My daughter decided not to attend college right away in the fall. I'm sure this was a hard thing to have to tell your parents when the topic of going to college comes up in conversations again and again your senior year of high school. As a parent, when you receive this news, your heart sinks a little. After all, it's somehow the way we're programmed to think - graduate from high school and go to college. A panic attack ensues full of worry and what-if's. Is she just scared? Should I push harder for her to go? If she takes time off, will she ever go? Does supporting her life journey have boundaries? These questions are what sleepless nights are made of. It didn't make sense. Highly intelligent young lady. Got good grades most of her life. Extremely high ACT scores. Always in the above average column on all those tests they take beginning in kindergarten.
And then I thought about this notion of having to go to college. Has this become another keep-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon? I mean, when my grandparents and parents graduated from high school, it wasn't automatically assumed that everyone went to college next. Most didn't. And what about all the young adults who go to college and do poorly, take extra time to graduate, change majors a half a dozen times, or just plain drop out after a year? How many of those students, if given the chance, would have taken some time off between high school and college, would have gladly done so if they knew they wouldn't disappoint their families? How many of those young adults would have found happiness and success a different way if given the chance?
I work at a university and have seen my share of students floundering through courses because they are led to believe this is the only way to achieve success and ultimately happiness in life. I've actually heard students say they were only here because their parents wanted them to be here. Really? Do I want the same for my kids? Do I want to force a circle into a square because I don't want people in my life to look down upon my parenting skills and my kid's character? I have always believed that every soul on this earth has its own unique journey, a journey that is far greater than my parental guidelines. My job as a parent is to support my child's uniqueness and be her number one fan so that she feels supported enough to go out into the world and be who she wants to be. I don't get to control that journey.
Still, I find myself frustrated. I find myself pleading to God, "Please help her find her way." I guess it's another thing that can't be controlled...a mom's worry.
My daughter decided not to attend college right away in the fall. I'm sure this was a hard thing to have to tell your parents when the topic of going to college comes up in conversations again and again your senior year of high school. As a parent, when you receive this news, your heart sinks a little. After all, it's somehow the way we're programmed to think - graduate from high school and go to college. A panic attack ensues full of worry and what-if's. Is she just scared? Should I push harder for her to go? If she takes time off, will she ever go? Does supporting her life journey have boundaries? These questions are what sleepless nights are made of. It didn't make sense. Highly intelligent young lady. Got good grades most of her life. Extremely high ACT scores. Always in the above average column on all those tests they take beginning in kindergarten.
And then I thought about this notion of having to go to college. Has this become another keep-up-with-the-Joneses phenomenon? I mean, when my grandparents and parents graduated from high school, it wasn't automatically assumed that everyone went to college next. Most didn't. And what about all the young adults who go to college and do poorly, take extra time to graduate, change majors a half a dozen times, or just plain drop out after a year? How many of those students, if given the chance, would have taken some time off between high school and college, would have gladly done so if they knew they wouldn't disappoint their families? How many of those young adults would have found happiness and success a different way if given the chance?
I work at a university and have seen my share of students floundering through courses because they are led to believe this is the only way to achieve success and ultimately happiness in life. I've actually heard students say they were only here because their parents wanted them to be here. Really? Do I want the same for my kids? Do I want to force a circle into a square because I don't want people in my life to look down upon my parenting skills and my kid's character? I have always believed that every soul on this earth has its own unique journey, a journey that is far greater than my parental guidelines. My job as a parent is to support my child's uniqueness and be her number one fan so that she feels supported enough to go out into the world and be who she wants to be. I don't get to control that journey.
Still, I find myself frustrated. I find myself pleading to God, "Please help her find her way." I guess it's another thing that can't be controlled...a mom's worry.
March 13, 2016
Bedroom Paint
Here's the bedroom. I've always considered this space my cocoon. Now that it has some color including some darker shades, I absolutely spend more time here. I have some trim to install and want to take the drop ceiling out but for now, I'm happy with this victory.
Bathroom Paint
We've been living in a blah white bedroom and bathroom for almost six years now. I've finally gotten the motivation to paint them. They were challenging because the walls (most of them) are bead board so getting paint into all those grooves sucks. There are some little things to touch up on but for the most part it's done.
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