Feeling, Wanting, Tired Of

Feeling stifled
Feeling uninspired
Feeling blah
Feeling like a failure
Feeling insignificant

Tired of whining
Tired of waiting
Tired of wanting
Tired of wasting time

Want to feel fulfilled
Want to change my attitude
Want to prove I can change
Want to be brave
Want to be inspired
Want to follow my true path in life
Want to feel empowered

Summer Is

Summer is...
Sand on the floor
Hand and dog nose prints on the front door
The smell of grill smoke
Waves
Flowers
Tree shade
Roller coasters
Beer
A long-awaited thunderstorm
Swimsuits and beach towels hanging on railings and doorknobs
Bikes
Beach fires

Cedar Point 2015

I can't believe I forgot to post about this year's trip to Cedar Point.  It was a month ago!  Better late than never.

Last year we brought our kids to Cedar Point for the first time and now they are ruined.  They will probably never want to go to any other amusement park again.  We all had so much fun.  We promised to return but not this year.  Maybe the next year, we said...until one day our daughter announced that she and her friend were going to try and get down to Cedar Point themselves (with the help of my brother-in-law, the coaster fanatic).  The next day, I came home from work to find two pouting faces at the kitchen table:  my daughter and my HUSBAND!  Pleasssse, we should go too.

I'm the money worry wart in our house.  I kept thinking about our daughter's senior year and all the expenses that come with it. But through some coaxing on his part and a promise to only go for one day instead of two, I agreed.  Life is short.  The kids are getting older.  Why not.  I'm so glad he talked me into it.      

It really is a bonding experience for all of us.  Lots of memories made.  I spent last weekend watching my grama slowly fading away.  I know that for her, now, things and money don't matter.  Family and memories made with them are what stay with you as you reach the end of your life.  So I'm doing more of this stuff because that's what makes us rich in the end.

Looking For Meaning

I try to avoid negative posts to my blog.  But it is called Kristi Randomly so I guess I need to randomly be negative.

I'm not feeling negative so much as I'm feeling lost and blah.  I know part of that is just changing my mind frame.  You do have to chose to be happy and hopeful.  I know that.  But we as humans sometimes have to let ourselves feel the opposite for a bit and get it out of our system.

Lately everything has been crap.  My grama is near the end of her life.  My daughter failed her math class needed to graduate.  Our one car took a crap and we needed to dump a ton of money into it.  This meant we had to miss our nephew's graduation party downstate.  The coffee pot broke.  My favorite neighbor moved away.  Not to mention many other things gone wrong that would normally not be a big deal but in the midst of the others, it just feels like more stones being thrown at me.

When I think of spending the next 20+ years in my line of work, I could sometimes puke.  Why wasn't I more focused in college?  Why did I shy away from some of my dreams?  I want to be that person who not only enjoys her personal life to the fullest but also enjoys going to her job.  I feel a bit dull lately in both.  I wonder sometimes if I'm just too scared and unmotivated to do anything about it.  I wonder if I'm having some sort of mid-life crisis.  While turning 40 made me less concerned with what people think of me, it has also caused some anxiety about growing older and not packing enough into each day.  It has made me weigh my successes and failures.  It keeps me up a lot at night.  ZzzQuil has become my new friend.  I despise the energy I have spent on all this pondering.

This is when I pull out my favorite quote for tough times:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

I'm hanging on, Harriet.  The wait is exhausting sometimes but I know you're right about that tide.